Slow it down!

Slow it down!

The countdown has really begun now, and not just for christmas, it’s less than 10 weeks to go until we meet our little baby.

My head is telling me to enjoy these last week’s as much as possible and soak it up but my body is saying it’s hard, I’m tired, I’m fat and I can’t wait for the time to pass. Hate wishing my life away though. 

I’ve never had any problems in any of my pregnancies so it gave us both a real scare when I had a bleed last week. Everything with the baby and I are absolutely fine now but it was a real wake up call that I need to slow things down and realise I’m now in the 8th month of pregnancy as if this giant Christmas pudding sized bump wasn’t enough of a reminder. Slowing down and taking things easy are not really sentences that I use in my hectic life where everything tends to be full speed ahead. How can it be any other way with two active little ones and working!! I even felt bad for L this week as I haven’t managed the housework! Not that she cares it’s just me being an idiot. If somebody has the magic answers to balance it all please send them my way.

Meanwhile we are fully immersed in festive events with the girls who are super excited for christmas. This is the first year when they have shown any interest in this season and it makes it so magical. We’ve been doing something Christmassy every weekend I think that’s probably why the time is going so fast. Isn’t it great using the elf and Santa as an extra bribing tool. We got G to eat shepherds pie the other night playing on the fear that Jupiter the elf would tell Santa if she didn’t. Who knows what we will do in January.

Last weekend the girls had festive face paints, a trip to see Santa and then put the Christmas trees up. Obviously we’ve designated a kid tree and a good tree (for in the good room) so that we don’t get antsy about how it’s decorated. We also made Christmas cards with their hand and footprints to give out to family and my work as I was hosting an afternoon tea for the elderly this week and I wanted it to have a really personal touch. The girls loved doing them and I think I handled the mess of the paint all over our lovely kitchen quite well. Not neurotic at all. Little chaotic one was so cute trying to clean G’s foot. It was a real warming memory swiftly followed by a bold reminder never to leave them unattended with some bright green paint on our new wooden floor. Not even for 30 seconds.

The afternoon tea at work was really wonderful and one of the reasons I love my job so much. We had 30 elderly folk over at the station for a ridiculous amount of cake and tea followed by a Carol service. They all seemed to enjoy themselves and it felt so good to give something back to the community especially at this time of year when some people feel very lonely and isolated. Although I totally overdid it and I’m feeling it today, I’m still beaming from them telling me I only looked 25 and was too young to have 3 children. Might need to recommend they get their eyes tested.

I was actually 35 last week. 35! I don’t know where time is going. I hope I make it to 99 like one of the men I met at the tea party. L really struggled with my birthday as she felt really limited on what we could do. It was the weekend I had been in hospital so since I was meant to be resting she cancelled the sky diving and cocktails! I think she was more disappointed about it than me as I really enjoyed the day beginning with the girls opening my presents then a special meal out just the two of us. Supposedly she has BIG plans for next year when she is excited that she “will have her Katy back”. What she is referring to is me being pregnant at my 31st and 32nd birthday, breastfeeding on my 33rd and pregnant again on my 35th. It’s been a few years dedicated to child rearing but it has absolutely flown by. Excited to see what she has planned but got a pretty busy year before now and then!!!

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Allow Sperm to perish…

Allow Sperm to perish…

That was one of two options we’ve just been given from our fertility clinic. Either that or pay to continue with sperm storage. There could be more pleasant topics of conversation, since we are both sperm dodgers, but we had to consider our options. 

In all honesty I would’ve preferred not to have to even think about this right now and wait until our baby is here (or a few weeks after that as postnatally I’m a hormonal disaster from cheerful, grateful new mum who is coping well to uncontrollable ugly crying, snot faced mess who can’t remember my name or if I’ve changed my underwear) and discuss it rationally and logically and then pass on our decision, but the timing is based on when we originally put that sperm in our online shopping basket and every year we have to decide if we want to pay to keep it frozen or not.

On the positive, discussing it did make us realise that we were both thinking the same thing and we both agree with our decision. L has been avoiding the subject for months as she wants to get rid of it and she was worried I’d feel otherwise. She even suggested selling it at a car boot sale as long as we don’t keep it. I don’t blame her I mean it’s premium sperm – look at the beautiful babies it creates!!! Obviously I’ll take a bit of credit for that too.

It opens up discussions no-one would want to have right now. I’m almost into the 8th month of pregnancy and our baby isn’t here yet. The awful thoughts of what if something went wrong now would we want to try again? Would we ever feel like it was the right thing to do? It doesn’t bear thinking about. IVF was so much hard work so I definitely wouldn’t be up for that again, plus if something bad happened with this pregnancy neither of us would fair very well. We both would like to have 3 children and that’s what we have right now. This little baby inside of me says hello every single day reminding me they are there when I’m too preoccupied with work or hectic times with our family, so to me they are here. I know them a little already and I’m sure it’s a girl. We’ve even started referring to the bump as a she and have only managed to agree on a girls name which is another thing we need to discuss. So we do have the 3 children we wanted. Decision made.

One thing we are certain of is we definitely don’t want 4 tiny humans. L would not entertain that idea. I would be divorced before I knew it and I’m feeling so worn out that it’s simply not an option. In a way it’s good for me to get that clear in my head now as after the birth each time I’ve felt an overwhelming need to have another baby. It’s like mother nature going crazy on me and that my duty as a women is to simply create these tiny blond-haired, blue-eyed babies. I put it down to the hormones as even now life is getting easier with the girls (well apart from chaotic not sleeping and hitting terrible two’s with a giant thud) but they are getting older, and understand more, so even this baby will be a shock to the system for us both. Admittedly, in the back of my mind, I do wonder if I’ll feel differently once the little one has arrived but I need to remind myself that there is more to me than just being a baby allotment and a mum. Which is easier said than done as for the last 5 years I’ve been  pregnant or breastfeeding parts of each year so it’s become my norm and my comfort zone. L wants me back to being Katy and not just a mum and so do I. So I’ve just got to work out how to be both. 

So that’s it. The confirmation has been sent and we’ve agreed to let the sperm perish. So, thank you donor sperm you’ve been amazing and helped us create some beautiful tiny humans but your job here is done. No more Robson-Malone babies after this one. I’m not sure the world could cope with another one of these characters. And my uterus is definitely closed for business from 2018. 

Happy Friday!

Happy Friday!

What a start to the day as I was woken abruptly by the chaotic one. She’s the only person I know who is ready to start the day as soon as her eyes open. She certainly does not get that from me. L asked if she’d had a can of coke in her cot this morning as she was bouncing round the room like Tigger. Frog in a blender – bit like my dancing when I’ve had too many Apple sours. I could only open one eye at that point. It was all too much for 530am. TGI Friday.

Today’s the day I get to book both of the kids into nursery to get the house jobs done and steal a few minutes to myself to blog and eat cake. Sssh don’t tell L! Sometimes I feel guilty for booking extra sessions for the girls especially when I have friends who don’t even take the nursery up on the free hours when their child is 3 and they don’t work and here’s me working and then also booking them in on my days off. Trust me though I’m much better for it later when I’ve got the jobs done and I can concentrate on the girls and relax about the house. I guess it’s about getting that balance.

So to make the most of the 3 hours (technically 2hrs 30 mins once I’ve dropped them there and got back and then returned for them) I decided we had enough time to go and do the grocery shop before the drop off. I promised I would cook for L tomorrow night as I haven’t done anything special for a while so I needed ingredients plus have you been to the supermarket on a Saturday? Geepers it’s hideous.

So I bundled the kids in the car and sped my way round to the shops. G was loving my singing but I’m not entirely sure “Staceys Mom” is the most appropriate tune to be belting out for their tiny ears. Sorry but not sorry!

It was like supermarket sweep racing round the shop skidding round the corners. I especially loved how Vodka was second on the list before the essentials like bread and milk. L is knocking up some winter speciality with werthers originals for a girlie get together. I wasn’t 100% sure what size bottle of vodka I should be buying at 850am so I went for the biggest that way if anybody thought it inappropriate with the two kids in tow and me being pregnant they’d think I was really bad and not just a little bit wreckless.

I gave the Xmas pudding aisle a dirty look as I passed it after consuming a whole one last week. All 1372 calories of it. I felt ill. I am still annoyed at L as she didn’t even try and stop me but she said I was enjoying myself so that’s all that matters. Poor baby will have been high as a kite on sugar and rum!

So after the nursery drop and unpacking the shopping I now have about 90 minutes to do the cleaning, change the beds and get at it with Henry on the carpet and make the place look beautiful for the weekend. Following that, lunch with a friend then G’s first swimming lesson going solo where I’m expecting tears and tantrums and that’s just me never mind the 2 year old I will have with me who will be wholly unreasonable when I try and explain she’s not swimming today and her lesson was Wednesday. I plan to pack all of our swimming attire just in case a) chaotic decides to jump in in protest b) it’s my only negotiating strategy when it all goes belly up.

And if I survive until 7pm without consuming my whole body weight in cake then pudding club will commence which I am the honorary member (or only member) but it’s what gets me through the day.

Happy Friday!

Halfway there

Halfway there

That’s it I’ve now passed the halfway point of pregnancy!! Wahoo! It’s only 18 weeks to go until we meet baby no. 3 and find out if they are as a chaotic as no. 2 and if it’s a boy or girl. G has taken quite a protective role over my bump as the chaotic one tries to sit on it!
Early pregnancy seemed to go on forever since I’d started my treatment back in March and then there was the horrific ‘I’m so sick of myself’ sickness which lasted until about 12 weeks. Since then time has been flying over. Definitely the quickest pregnancy EVER. Mainly because I keep forgetting I’m pregnant and when people ask how far along I am I have to give a pretty vague reply of “5 months I think”. Then later I check the calendar just to be sure.

I’ll never forget when pregnant with my first and going to see the doctor for a check up I was asked how far along I was. I sat there all prompt with my notes in a little plastic folder “33 weeks, 2 days” without any hesitation. The doctor said “you’ll have to double check by the time you get to your second” and I looked at her weirdly thinking oh my goodness how on earth can you possibly not know how far along you are. What an arse I was! I now can smell a first child pregnant person from a mile off from their cute little plastic wallets with their notes in and their smiley well rested faces while I turn up late for my appointments, sometimes with both kids in tow, scrambling around in my bag for the notes that I’m sure I had in there whilst praying I’ve packed a stash of those sugary biscuits I would never feed my child to keep them quiet in the waiting room. I’ve gone from pregnancy super geek goody two shoes to barely getting through the day mum of three in less than 4 years and the bags under my eyes prove it. I’m literally just winging it so it’s damn good job I have a wonderful support network around me to help with the fallout as there has been plenty. 

I’m not sure if it’s the pregnancy hormones or the tiredness or a combo of both but I waited over an hour for my consultants appointment yesterday and my patience level was probably on par with L. The receptionist had already got an eye roll from me as I arrived in a rush busting for a wee. I legged it to the bathroom then came back and checked in for the appointment and she said leave your urine sample over there. I explained I’d actually just emptied my bladder and she waved her hand furiously at the sign which clearly states that you have to do that which I clearly missed as I was dragging the 2 year old to the nearest toilet hoping I didn’t cough or sneeze and let my bladder explode down my legs. My response was “that’s not really helping me now”. Okay okay so obviously she was just doing her job but come on woman you could’ve just said it’ll be forever for your appointment so just go get yourself a couple of glasses of water and leave a sample before you go. Nothing winds up a person more than being kept waiting more than an hour for an appointment when you have your 2 year old in tow and you’ve ran out of biscuits and there’s no signal for you tube. That’s how to really push my buttons. Secretly I was just annoyed with myself as I should really know the crack by now 3 kids in.

At the scan everything was smashing with the baby. We got a really clear picture which the girls were very excited about when we showed them. The sonographer found my placenta to be low but they’ll just recheck it nearer the time so nothing to worry about. We were divided on finding out what we we were having. L wanted to as she is rubbish with waiting for surprises and patience is not her strong point but me, I didn’t want to find out. Admittedly, I had a bit of a wobble in there that day but now I’m glad we didn’t find out. We can now keep annoying ourselves with the “do you think it’s a boy/girl?” questions. Although that does mean we need two names and we don’t have one yet! It’s hard trying to pick a name. I’m adamant it’s a girl. I’ve got a gut feeling and i’d be very surprised if it was a boy. So i’m researching more girls names than boys. Finding something that goes with our girls names and doesn’t annoy you or sound like some chavvy kid, is proving quite difficult. We also have to consider how it sounds with both a southern and northern twang as that can make something go from sounding quite classy to a fish wife down the quay and we don’t need that!

This week we are being booted out of our house while the floor is laid so it was timed perfectly as we have a week in Spain at our friends villa. We need this holiday so much, especially L. She’s been so busy with work working all hours we’ve hardly spent anytime together as a family and the times we are together we are so busy completing some crazy task related to the house project. It’ll be great to get away from it all where we can do nothing but relax and spend some quality time together. The girls are so excited to get on a plane and have their own swimming pool. I was slightly embarrassed (secretly proud of what L provides for us) that our 3 year old said “mummy sleep in the bed on the plane?” Assuming that everytime we travel now we get on beds on the plane. She’s 3 years old and she’s already accustomed to travelling in style all thanks to L. Let’s hope she’s not disapponted with a regular upright seat. What a diva! Wonder who she gets that from?!

It’s only this week where I have actually felt pregnant as well. That feeling when you sit down and your belly pushes up to your massive boobs and you’re just all a bit uncomfortable. Plus regular clothes aren’t fitting but still the maternity clothes are too big. Today I’m dressed in my dungarees and I can’t decide if I look like a total lesbian, a pregnant woman or an extra life-size minion. L thinks I look like I’m a painter and decorator about to quote for a job and just need a pencil behind my ear. I’m not overly concerned as it has expandable buttons so I can eat more cake. Everybody needs these in their lives.

Daddy? Doggy?

Daddy? Doggy?

Ah man the moment came we were probably both subconsciously worrying about – G cried because she didn’t have a daddy. It was heartbreaking. It was literally a few minutes after I’d opened my eyes and I thought my word I’m not ready for this conversation right now. Anyway I went about explaining that her bestfriend does have a daddy but he also only has one mummy where G has two mummies and that’s ok too. I don’t think she understood it but she was ok. By the time I got her to nursery she was upset again and I told them why. They offered to go through the ‘our story’ book we have which is all about how families are different and how her family is made that morning so I could follow it up in the evening (That is why the girls nursery is awesome because they genuinely care and work with you as parents to support your children’s development including the emotional side). When I picked her up from nursery she wasn’t interested in family stuff she just wanted her toast with ham. Ah right so that quick she was over it?? She has the attention of her Mammy(L)!!!

But she has brought it up loads since just questioning about a daddy and who has daddies and she has started saying she has two mummies and also naming everyone in our family (including the new baby which tipped my hormone level right over to tear level).

So it’s been a big discussion point in our house and with my friends but I’ve rationalised it and taken the adult element away from it. She doesn’t actually know what a daddy is. To her it’s just a word her friends use and she knows it’s something she doesn’t have so it could just as easy be a brother or a dog. She has no emotional tie to a daddy it’s just us worrying too much and overthinking it. Her nursery teacher said exactly the same so it made me feel heaps better. She knows her stuff.

Now all G is bothered about is watermelon and taking her minions lunch bag to nursery. Today when she brought up a daddy I said you don’t have one just like a doggy and her little eyes lit up and said “doggy doggy”! Erm no you’re not getting one of those either they’d both make way too much mess. Mind after today and all the questions G has been asking “Mummy” about all of her surroundings, and when I say all I literally mean from the gear box in my car to the nipples on my body, I’ve decided to change my name – to Daddy! Then I might get some peace.

Last week we had our 9 week scan at the clinic which was also our last appointment at the clinic EVER! That’s our 3 babies made and that’s definitely it.

We got to see little Bryo who is now a whopping 2.7 cm long. So super tiny. But so relieved to see something which now resembles a baby. And it was so active. Which concurs what the acupuncturist said to me when they said the baby is very yang. Supposedly that means warm and full of energy so I think we have got ourselves another ducklips. Basically it’s all or nothing with her. There is no in between, no downtime and no reasoning. But it’s great to have girls like this with loads of energy.

We’ve totally splashed out and invested in a new high chair so at least the 3rd born won’t be completely hand me downs. We won’t be buying them much else probably just some clothes once we know what colour it is. Only 29 weeks until we find out.

A lad at work told me I looked like shit. If you ever want someone’s honest opinion and you don’t want to sugarcoat it or fluff it then ask a firefighter. No messing around there. So I’ve taken some more time to rest and gone for an almighty chop on the hair to at least make me feel a bit better and more human. So far it seems to have done the trick. None of the lads at work noticed the haircut though!!!

The glitz and glamour of early pregnancy and the first scan.

The glitz and glamour of early pregnancy and the first scan.

I was hoping things would calm down a bit now the constant appointments were finished but since we are about halfway through the extension and L has landed herself a new job it’s unlikely that’s going to happen.

The extension has got to the point where it looks like very little is happening now the actual structure is in place. I’ve lost interest in picking out flooring and paint as I don’t have the headspace for it and I’m feeling like there’s too much left to do. Really hope it can be finished by August as we have visitors but it’s looking unlikely.

So happy for L – this new job is awesome for her and so well deserved as she totally rocks it at work but with big jobs comes big responsibility and that means long shifts and lots of stress for her. Here’s hoping things settle a little soon at least for her sake before she burns herself out and I need my partner in crime back, I miss her. When I’m at work she is with the kids and when she’s at work I’m with the kids. We are like passing ships until the weekends. We didn’t eat together for 4 nights and for us that’s pretty much unheard of.

Last week I was being a complete idiot and stressing about not feeling pregnant. Apart from being really zapped of energy I felt fine. I was worried I wasn’t pregnant anymore so I tested again. It said I was pregnant. L saw the test and asked why have I been testing. I told her I didn’t feel pregnant. Her response was “I know you are pregnant simply because you did that, you moron”. Ah ok. That’s that settled then.

And before I needed further clarification – BOOM – The sickness came over me like I was on a rubber dinghy in the middle of the Atlantic during a storm. Total urksville. Thank goodness now I feel like utter crap and so happy about it.

I was in charge of the mess at work (basically making the meals for the watch that week) and as I was walking round the supermarket I had watery mouth and wanted to puke. I didn’t fancy anything to eat at all. They’re lucky they ended up with a meal as I was tempted to just shout them takeout. One shift I had to lie down for a few minutes as I was really queasy and one of the lads brought me a white chocolate magnum. It was amazing and just what I needed. I felt better when I ate. That’s a modern day hero!

To add to my moaning my bum is causing me problems. I’m still having to shove those bum bullets up there twice a day as part of the treatment and to make it worse I’ve only got a ridiculous amount of piles. Pregnancy is far from glamourous. My body is breaking on me! Just when I thought I was feeling pretty crappy as I was I went a stubbed my toe and heard the unmistaking cracking sound of it breaking. There was a lot of swearing, then tears, as the warmth and the pain set in. This was on the afternoon I promised to take the kids to the park. So I strapped it up, popped a couple of paracetamol and soldiered on. Made it to the park and was just about getting by until G wanted me to join her on the see-saw. My cheeks were sore from the fake smile I had on my face. As I pushed up my toe throbbed and as I bounced down I literally had a pain in the bum. I was laughing on the inside really! L found it all quite amusing and so did my friend who I texted at the park. She thought I was so funny. Does she realise I wasn’t trying to be humorous and crack a joke – this is my actual life!

We’ve had our first scan. That was a nearly a 7 week scan. Apart from being sickly I haven’t given the pregnancy much thought (too busy) but everytime I get a quiet few minutes I have a little smile to myself. The night before the scan I woke up all worried about it and nervous that everything was ok for the recipient too.

On scan day I had to wait what felt like forever until the afternoon. I wanted to know there is a viable pregnancy going on and see the heart beat. That’s all you can see in these early scans. The heartbeat is a little flicker on the screen. There’s nothing that looks like an actually baby just a splodge. And after that is all ok (I hope) I’m thinking please let there just be one. Chances of twins are slim as only one embryo was put back in but you do still wonder. Not that it’s the end of the world or anything I just don’t know how we would cope. L might actually have to get up in the night. Imagine that?!

Once again I was grateful that we had the distraction of the girls at the scan. I’d packed them loads of snacks. Not the healthy ones. The totally rubbish ones that keep them quiet and happy. I don’t think I would cope if they told me that it wasn’t ok. But thankfully I didn’t need to worry about that. There was a little flickering heartbeat and the size was measuring well 7mm. That’s not even a cm! And it has a heartbeat. Nature is so amazing. Blows my mind. Recipient doing awesome too. I left that clinic beaming and all the crappy pregnancy associated rubbish was out of my mind (for a little while). L was so chuffed everything was ok but she said she knew it would be. How, I have no idea, but I like it when she says things like that. It makes me feel safe.

 

My IVF Journey: The Result.

My IVF Journey: The Result.

6 days until test day: Googled how quick people find out they are pregnant. Found some people found out early so that made me want to test then read a few that didn’t find out until late so I discarded all information. I’m feeling short tempered.

3 days until test day: I dont think i’m pregnant. L tells me I am pregnant. She says I’m showing all the signs. What does she know? I cried when I saw a 13 day old baby today. Ah you forget how small they are. I wanted to sniff it’s head but that’s just weird isn’t it. I’m not sure their parent would appreciate it.

2 day until test day: I dreamt I was at a hospital having a scan and they told me I was pregnant. Seems like the only time I can really think about things is in my dreams. I’ve also started feeling really sick. The watery mouth kind of sick. And hungry. Yes hungry too but can’t eat. Surely can’t be related. Must be coming down with some sort of illness the small people in our family like to share.

1 day until test day: Woke up feeling sick. Felt sick all day. Thought I was going to puke doing the nursery run. Held it together for the kids sake. G would say ‘yacky’ if I did that. L has read up on the testing kit. Seriously this woman. It’s the 5th time we have tested and the same type of test (testing has been her role since the very first one) all she has to do is drop the pee onto the plastic thing. It’s not rocket science. Not sure I will sleep much tonight. The tiny one wakes up at 4 usually so only 6 hours to go. In a way I don’t want to test as I want the hope to go on. It’s a nice feeling to have hope.

Test day: it’s 3:30am. The tiny ones are still asleep. It won’t be long until they wake up and ruin this rare quiet moment. I need to pee but I want to test. Wish L would wake up so we can do it. Maybe if I do a big shuffle it’ll wake her up. Yes. I can hear her stirring. She’s checking the time. Be still so she doesn’t blame me for waking her.

She checked if I was awake. Yes I’m awake and I need to pee!! So let’s do it.

L set her timer we had to wait 3 minutes. It went really quick. I don’t think we said anything to each other during those 3 minutes. Then she went into the bathroom to check the result. I was half looking, curled into a ball, half trying to protect myself against a bad result but as she popped her stupid little face round the door I knew there was no bad result. We were pregnant and she confirmed it to me when she handed me the test. Shit! Here we go again. Our world is about to grow.

Obviously we were both overjoyed to have been so lucky to get a positive but we laughed at just how nuts our life will become. As if it wasn’t crackers enough as it is!! I just kept staring at the test making sure it didn’t change. Bozo.

So I called the clinic to let them know the result but I was more nervous wondering if the recipient was pregnant but it turned out they hadn’t heard anything yet. No news is good news I hope.

About 10 minutes later my phone rang private number so must be the clinic. Please please please let it be good news.

It was. The recipient was now pregnant. That moment is like no moment I have ever felt. It is different to all of those amazing special days in my life which are the best days of my life but this moment was on par with those feelings. To be told that you’ve helped give someone the gift of life and to make their dreams come true is wonderful. I couldn’t stop crying.  I know how it feels to get the positive result, to be pregnant and to hold your baby for the very first time and now this woman was going to have this. What a fantastic feeling of pure joy for someone else’s happiness.

Now to enjoy these moments before the worry and the sickness kicks in!

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