I hope I’m not the only one who has felt like this during treatment. See I went for a progress scan expecting that egg collection would be in two days. I was already feeling anxious as my last blood result was not what it should be. I got myself on the bed ready for the scan and as soon as they called out the sizes of the follicles I felt a huge wave of disappointment. There was hardly any progress over the last few days, so there was no way egg collection was going to happen just yet.
It was a rarity but I was on my own, not even a child in tow, as it was an early morning scan before work so I had nothing to distract me or no L to talk it over with or give me a much needed hug. I could’ve done with my girls running riot. That would’ve made me smile. When I saw the nurse I asked about the worst-case scenario and that would be if the blood test today showed no improvement then we may have to cancel this treatment cycle. I like to know worst-case and best-case scenario then I can get my head around what could happen in between to prepare myself. I always like to be prepared for all eventualities which is why L mocks me when we go anywhere as I have to pack a million things “just in case”. Mainly the “just in case” equates to something she will need but she doesn’t see it like that she thinks it just me being a faff.
I was gutted. I needed to call L but I still had to go collect my meds for the next two days. I held it together until I got into the car then I felt the tears coming. I felt like my body was failing me and I was confused as to why it wasn’t doing what they expected. Plus there were also the bigger implications thinking that none of the treatment would work, we wouldn’t make a third child, changes to the plan meant changes to nursery days I’d organised for the girls while I’ll be in hospital and changes to both of our work schedules, which was a headache, especially for L.
Then the heaviest weight of all….the recipient. I felt like I was letting her down. The poor woman would be sitting waiting to hear she had some eggs she can make a baby with. She would be taking medication to prepare her body to receive them and she would probably be sitting by the phone waiting to hear some news. It was all too much. Today was definitely not a good day for Starbucks or non-waterproof mascara.
Anyway I’d had my thinking time and an emotional rollercoaster, exaggerated by the effects of the hormones, all whilst driving to work. Thankfully, I was there all day so it took me away from it all until I got that phone call from the clinic. The one that made it all ok again. The one that made me relax and to believe again that it would work. My blood results were on track so it would just mean some more time on the meds and put off collection for a few more days. Phew! And breathe.
Now I’m in a rational state I know that it’s completely out of my control but I was overwhelmed with emotion and over thinking everything. I’m a worrier. Always have been and always will. Positive thinking. The next scan there WILL be progress.
The rollercoaster journey continues.