Once the morning sickness stopped I really enjoyed being pregnant. I felt like a princess for most of it and got spoilt rotten by L – it was great! But probably up there with one of the things not to say to a pregnant person is that they are hormonal and irrational. Wife to be was almost not wife to be when she uttered those words to me somewhere around week 8. Hormonal and irrational? HORMONAL AND IRRATIONAL! Is she feckin kidding me?! Followed by anger sob anger sob sob ugly crying face sob snot and sob! Does she know what I am going through right now? Does she know how hard it is? I need an axe. I want to take an axe to her head and chop it clean off. I’m going to chop her head off. Oh my god I love her and I need a cuddle and want it to be ok but I feel like shit, want to puke and don’t come close to me as I’m annoyed at you but a cuddle would make it feel better. Yes it all went a bit like that. I feel a bit sorry for her as it must’ve been hard for her too but she’s still a giant bafoon for coming out with that! She never said it again.
Did you know you can kill someone with a ginger biscuit? No I didn’t until I thought out a handful of different ways everytime somebody told me they were good for morning sickness. I feel sick. I can barely stand up without wanting to create a pavement pizza and you’re wanting me to shove a rank ginger flavoured biscuit in my mouth which is watering so bad from sick saliva. Just get out of my face. Obviously I smiled politely and thanked them for their kind suggestions.
When I was just over three months pregnant and over all of that sickness we decided to head off to Boston and Cape Cod for a much needed break. I obviously wasn’t thinking straight as I agreed to camp. Camp! Yes camp – what an idiot. Who goes camping pregnant? The main issue was needing to pee all of the time. I don’t know why I was worried as L bought me a bucket from Walmart! What a hero! So when I needed to pee about 5 times a night I would get to hover over a bucket working those thigh muscles and hearing my pee echo round the campsite as it hit the bucket. It was horrific and I wasn’t impressed at all. I even tumbled over once or twice when I lost my balance and covered myself in pee. Even now thinking back to it I’m annoyed!
We stayed in a town at the end of the Cape called Provincetown. It’s supposedly a well known destination for the gayers. I hadn’t heard of it but of course L had. We were booked to be there during their pride festival which is well worth a visit gay or straight as it’s a really cute little seaside town with nice little shops, restaurants and a marina. Plus they have a parade with folks getting dressed up. The gays love a bit of fancy dress don’t they!
We’d never been to a predominately gay holiday desitination so it was nice to feel like the majority and not the minority. Don’t worry it didn’t make me feel like burning my bra or growing my armpit hair!
We even booked ourselves on a boat trip as part of the pride festivities. There was a picture of a yacht type vessel which looked lovely and luxurious. I am the one who likes to organise the extra curricular activities. L on the other hand is the complete opposite. I’m forever bothering her on holiday to do stuff and participate in activities and she’s forever getting annoyed ‘I’m getting my tan on man!’ ‘Can’t you just be!’
But no I couldn’t so the tickets were booked and off we trotted to meet at the pier for this luxurious boat cruise (after stopping en route for a quick pee). We looked around and couldn’t see a boat so we were thinking we were late then we looked down over the jetty and there was what I can only describe as a slightly larger rowing boat from your local park with about 10 hopeful looking lesbians looking up at us. They all had those hawaiian style lei necklaces on they’d been given on boarding. They all looked the same with gay hair (like L’s), definitely didn’t shave their pits and no doubt owned a selection of vegetarian cookbooks and they were smiling away trying to befriend us. Somehow since the start of pregnancy i’d aquired L’s WTF face and no nonsense attitude and I was no longer as polite and friendly as I would normally be. I found myself telling people how it was and struggling with holding back on my thoughts. L found it hilarious and encouraged the outspoken me! So clocking that there was certainly no toilet and there definitely wasn’t a glamorous deck we could pose with our shades on I looked at L and she knew there was no way we were getting on that boat.
‘I’m not making small talk with randoms and i’ll need to pee plus I’m hangry so just sort it out’.
L didn’t question anything she just had a word with the organiser and made everything better – I loved her a bit more that night even though her motivation was partly for herself so she wouldn’t have to participate in extra curricular. We had played the pregnancy card and hot trotted it back to camp!
The best thing about the trip was the ice cream sundae the British Airways crew knocked up at 35000 ft. I was well impressed and it satisfied those cravings making the trauma of camping pregnant slightly easier to bear!
I had come to accept the many body changes when pregnant and took it all in my stride. Pregnancy gave me the cutest bump ever and of course I was massive! Huge oh my word I can’t believe how big I’m getting. Another moronic moment as of course I was tiny. You would’ve thought I’d just had a large kebab or a little bit of bloating. Idiot!
There was also leaky nipples and you do get grape like piles (although mine was more like my own vineyard) but I wasnt expecting to find I had managed to gain an extra nipple.
Oh yes I wasn’t mortified much when L and the doctor shared a little joke about Scaramanga as I had them check out the supernumerary nipple.
Yes it’s hilarious have a laugh at the pregnant person who’s now got an added appendage thanks to the pregnancy hormones. Oh and doctor make it worse by telling me you’ve never seen one before. Make me feel like a right freak.
On my next visit to see my doctor she mentioned that she’s told a few of her colleagues about it – great! So pleased you’re all able to have a nice little chat about it and they have also not seen one! I was waiting to be asked in to do a show and tell! Anyway i’ve told myself its cool as Harry Styles and Lily Allen also have them so there! I just had to wait to see if it produced any milk!
There wasnt a lot of time to rest at the end of the pregnancy as we moved house a month before baby was due and I was so antsy with nesting I needed everything doing and needed it done NOW!
Poor L got it in the neck as she would have to come home from work and then do house things as she knew it was easier to just get on with it rather than have me getting mad/angry/upset *delete where appropriate.
The all time low was when our plastering was shocking and we would need it all redoing and we were sleeping on a mattress in our living room as upstairs was being decorated too. I think we both just cried as we were so fed up but us being us we came up with a new plan and just got on with it. I’d be lying if I didn’t say there was also cake involved.
So I was up a ladder painting the ceiling 9 months pregnant and one day L came home to find me outside planing a bannister dressed in my ghostbusters overalls from a recent trip to ibiza for our friends hen do. It was about the only thing that would fit over the bump but i still managed to get paint on my belly button which had well and truly popped out. There was no stopping me. During a trip to b and q with a week to go until our baby was due she’s telling me to hurry up as I was walking too slow. I wasn’t even walking. I was waddling around with a baby’s head engaged in my pelvis. Once reminded of my current situation she sharp piped down! Good job I was in a good mood and laughed!
Overall being pregnant for the first time I felt like a princess. You could just relax and put your feet up. Nap when you wanted to. Chat to strangers in the street about how it’s your first child and how excited you are. People made a fuss of you and you made a fuss of yourself. Little did I know how that all changes when you move on to your second but that’s for another time.